Here Without You
by kimr1989
Summary: Post scene sort of to the episode "Payback" Bosco angst and resolution. Complete


Yes, it's me. And no there isn't any fluff. How can this be you ask? Well, I stole Rush's half of the brain last night. She wasn't usin' it. Sorry, Rush, I couldn't resist.  
  
As a lot of you know, Payback left a huge gaping hole in my heart. How am I going to cope with no Bosco and Faith confrontation until the Yokases come back from their vacation? I'm either going to have to write them back together or curl up in a ball in a corner somewhere until I'd say roughly February. I've got kids who expect Christmas and a boss who expects me to come to work, so the "ball in a corner" idea is right out. Thus you all will have to put up with my numerous Bos/Faith reunion scenarios. Well, I hope you won't just be putting up with them. I hope you like them and as always feedback is welcome.  
  
As you know I only own a 1:42 scale replica of 55David and a broken shipper heart. The characters unfortunately belong to the evil producers and writers who think it's okay to torture us for months without ...okay, sorry. I got a little off track there.  
  
Anyway...  
  
[I]A hundred days have made me older Since the last time that I saw your pretty face A thousand lies have made me colder And I don't think I can look at this the same But all the miles have separate They disappeared now when I'm dreaming of your face  
  
I'm here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time I'm here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams And tonight it's only you and me  
  
- Here Without You, 3Doors Down[/I]  
  
******************  
  
Everyday I came into the locker room, my eyes automatically went to her locker. Her stuff was still in it. I figured if her stuff was still there, she was comin' back. If she wasn't comin' back she woulda sent Fred for her stuff. That locker full of stuff was my last link to her.  
  
After everybody left I would get up, walk to where she should be and look inside. Her uniform was there hung up nice, waitin' for her. I looked at her pictures through the metal door, pictures of her kids, of her husband, and one of us together after graduation. I thought about taking that picture with me. I knew her combination, just like she knew mine. I never did, but I wanted to.  
  
She haunted me enough without a picture to remind me of how great things used to be. I went by her building every night on my way home. I usually just drove by. Sometimes I parked and told her window about my day. Crazy, huh?  
  
Most nights I went home to my apartment. Occasionally I went over to ma's bar and found some random girl to go home with. Even when I had someone in bed beside me, I still dreamed of her.  
  
I would dream about how she laughed at me and the faces she made when I told her stuff about the women I was seein'. Sometimes the dreams were purely fantasy, things that would never happen. Those dreams I'd been having for years though, so that's nothin' new.  
  
Some days I thought I would just go see her and get everything out. I would sit outside her building with my hand on the door handle. Before I could actually get myself to open the car door, I would hear Sullivan's voice telling me to respect their wishes for once.  
  
So I respected her wishes and I stayed away. I picked up her daughter from school occasionally and got reports on how her mom was doing. She told me about their plan to take a vacation. The first thing I thought was if she's gone, what am I gonna do with my time? How screwed up is that?  
  
That next day when I got to the station, her locker was empty. I felt like somebody'd kicked me in the gut. My knees went out from under me and I hit the floor. Sullivan was there. I told him I slipped. I got up and looked in her locker. I found the picture of us. It was still in there. She left it. She left her belt, her weapon, and the picture.  
  
She just left it like it didn't mean anythin'. We were partners for ten years and it was like I was nothin' to her. I screwed up. I knew I screwed up. I tried to say I was sorry. I knew that wasn't good enough, but she wouldn't even talk to me.  
  
I thought when she came back I could fix things. When I saw all her stuff gone, I thought that was it. She was gone. I wasn't gonna do anythin'. I just took her belt and her gun and the picture so that I could .. I don't know just touch somethin' she'd touched. I just wanted to sit there for a while with what was left.  
  
"So why didn't you give the gun to Officer Sullivan when he asked you?" Dr. Marie Connelly asked watching as Bosco paused to take a drink from the bottle of water he had brought with him.  
  
"Sully's always overreactin'. I just wanted to hold it is all."  
  
"You had to realize how your coworkers would react to see you sitting on the floor in front of your former partner's locker with a loaded weapon."  
  
"How many times do I haveta tell ya I wasn't gonna shoot myself! This is nuts!" Bosco yelled at the therapist sitting across the room from him. Why the hell couldn't he see O'Malley again?  
  
"When your Lieutenant tried to take the gun from you, you pointed it at him."  
  
"I'm tellin' you I was just holdin' it. Are we 'bout done here? I did what you wanted me to do. I talked about why I was sittin' there. I'm not gonna shoot myself. I'm not gonna shoot anybody else. Just sign whatever needs signin' so I can get back to work."  
  
"I don't think you're ready yet."  
  
"Dammit! If I wanted to shoot myself, I've got plenty of guns at home. I wouldn't do it in a crowded precinct with a firehouse full of paramedics across the street. Just sign it! And don't even ask me if I'm goin' to. I already told ya," Bosco said leaning forward when he saw her mouth open to ask the question he knew was about to come out.  
  
"Tell me this. What if she does come back? What do you expect would happen?"  
  
"What do I expect? I don't expect anythin'. By then I should have a new partner. She made it real clear how she feels. Anyway, she's not comin' back."  
  
"So now that you think she's not coming back are you going to continue driving by her apartment?"  
  
"I haven't been drivin' by her apartment."  
  
"You told me you would drive by every night after work and that sometimes you would stop and talk to her window," Dr. Connelly reminded him.  
  
"I meant since she cleaned out her locker. I haven't been back since then. She quit on me, so I'm done worryin' 'bout her."  
  
"And the dreams?"  
  
"Like I said before, I always dreamed 'bout her. It doesn't matter. She's done with the force, she's done with me, she's got her family. So we done? Don't you have anybody else to see?" Bosco said rising to his feet.  
  
"You sound angry with her."  
  
"Damn right I'm angry. She didn't even give me a chance! She just packed up and left me."  
  
"She left you?"  
  
"She left and she didn't even have the guts to tell me to my face. She just disappeared," Bosco muttered as he walked over to stare out the window.  
  
"You must love her very much."  
  
"I don't love her! She's my partner - or was. She's married. No, that's the craziest thing you've said yet," Bosco said spinning back toward the doctor.  
  
"From the way you talk about her, it's obvious that you care about her and about her opinion of you. It was a valid assumption on my part."  
  
"Well stop assumin' stuff. Can I go back to work now?"  
  
"If you think you're ready to face the officers you work with, I'll sign the papers stating you're cleared for duty. Are you ready for that?"  
  
"Beats sittin' at home," Bosco replied putting on his jacket. He hadn't thought about how the guys would act around him after what happened. At this point though, he couldn't stand to sit alone in his apartment one more night picturing her face and remembering. Putting up with the whispers and the stares couldn't be any worse.  
  
"I'm going to recommend to the department that you have at least one more session after you go back," Dr. Connelly said as she stood and walked to her desk. She pulled a paper from his file, wrote her recommendation, and signed it before turning back to him.  
  
"Thanks," Bosco said quietly taking the paper.  
  
"Officer Boscorelli, I really think you should talk to your partner before you go back. Just because her locker was cleaned out doesn't mean she isn't coming back. It doesn't even mean she even cleaned it out herself. Her husband may have done it or one of your supervisors. You told me there was some friction between you and her husband. He may have left the picture behind."  
  
"Friction? Yeah, the guy attacked me and then threatened to kill me. I'd say friction would fit that. See ya around, Doc," Bosco said chuckling mirthlessly before walking out of the doctor's office.  
  
Bosco looked neither right nor left as he made a beeline for the exit. He was stopped by a voice behind him a few steps from the door.  
  
"Bosco?"  
  
The voice was so soft, Bosco thought he'd finally started hallucinating.  
  
"Faith, no."  
  
He heard Fred's angry voice and realized it was actually her. He turned slowly meeting her eyes for the first time in over three months. Pain, anger, and guilt fought for control over him. As usual, the pain won and he turned away before she could see it. He didn't need pity from the person he put in a wheel chair. His hand on the door knob, he heard her say his name again.  
  
"Faith, no."  
  
"Shut up, Fred."  
  
"Fine. You know what? Fine. That's just great."  
  
Bosco heard Fred get up. He heard his footsteps coming up behind him. Fred grabbed him by the shoulder and pushed him away from the door. With a final glare at Faith, Fred stormed out the door.  
  
"Bosco?"  
  
"What?" Bosco snapped. Anger was winning round two. Faith's jaw dropped in surprise. She obviously thought he should still be drowning in guilt over what happened.  
  
"Nothin' I guess," Faith retorted wheeling herself toward the doctor's open door.  
  
"Faith, wait," Bosco said walking over to block her path. He didn't know what he was going to say or even if he wanted to say anything. He just needed one last look at her. What he saw when he looked down at her was her hair hanging forward covering her face, her shoulders trembling.  
  
He sank to his knees in front of her and smoothed her hair away exposing the tears she had been trying to hide. He wiped her tears away with his fingers.  
  
"Bosco don't," she whispered swiping angrily at her nose.  
  
He nodded and started to stand. His last look was done. When she grabbed his arm, he went back to kneeling in front of her. When she wrapped her arms around his neck, the tears he'd been fighting began to fall.  
  
Bosco put his arms around her waist and pulled her against him, her chair rolling away behind her.  
  
Dr. Connelly came out of her office to find two of her patients kneeling on the floor, crying together and decided that might be the best therapy for the both of them. Officer Yokas was her last appointment for the day, so she went to the outer office door and locked it before returning to her office and closing the door. 


End file.
